Sometimes, nothing turns out quite like you ever thought it would. Actually, I guess that's most of the time, isn't it? At least, if your name is Tabatha Summers. Maybe I should marry some guy and change that, eh? Haha, right. Because anything like that will ever happen to me.
I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel guilty for doing what's right for me, but I don't know if I will ever get used to knowing I've hurt someone else, especially someone I love. When I broke up with Robert at the end of May, I didn't know what to do with myself. I've never had the greatest self-esteem or sense of purpose, and he always, *always* made me feel like I had a reason for being here, even if it was only to wipe away his tears. But now I can't do that anymore, and even if I could, he would hate me for trying.
Well, I say that as if he doesn't already hate me. It sounds stupid to say, but I believed him when he promised he would never hate me for leaving him. I really thought, or maybe just hoped, that he could move on with his own life without cursing the part of it he spent with me. Maybe it's just because I know I'll always love him and the time we spent together, even though I had to end it.
It's not that I miss being with him, or at least the way he treated me when I was with him. I just couldn't take the doubting anymore. A year and a half is too long to spend with someone and still not know who she is. When he said he didn't think I love him, that was just it. I knew in that moment that was how he would always be, and I just couldn't do that forever.
But at the same time, I'll never stop loving him. I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate, but that's just not how it works for me. Maybe I fall too hard when I fall in love, but that's how I've always been. Love is never temporary, even if sometimes I've wished I could stop caring so much about someone. Because nothing breaks my heart more than someone I love coming to hate me, and I guess this is the second time I'll have to watch that happen.
He deleted me off everything when I started seeing a guy from work. Right before that, he said something on facebook about "that moment your ex starts dating the guy she fell for while with you." And I know it's all that same paranoia that drove me crazy while I was with him, but it hurts unimaginably that he would say something like that about me. That he would even think I could disregard him that way. I don't just fall for someone, and he of all people should know that. I've learned by now that that's exactly what gives someone the power to hurt you the most, and right now, he's proving it.
