Thyroid Cancer Awareness: My Story

I normally don't make posts like this, but there's a first time for everything, and this one is for a good cause. September is thyroid cancer awareness month, and it also happens to be the month I go back annually to have my lymph nodes tested by my endocrinologist. So as my contribution to thyroid cancer awareness, I'm going to share the whole story with everyone here.

I was 21 years old when I found out I had cancer and that is one of the most frightening things you can be told at any age. No one in my family has any history of thyroid troubles of any kind. I had no warning signs, no thyroid problems, no hormonal imbalances. My doctor just found a lump on my throat when she was doing a routine exam. I hadn't even noticed it beforehand, but once she pointed it out, I could see it when I looked in a mirror. I have a thin neck and it looked like I had an Adam's apple when I swallowed. It was over half an inch in diameter and I didn't even notice it. Please, make sure your doctor checks your neck when doing routine physicals. He or she will know what to look for much better than you do!

The first thing my doctor told me as reassurance was that thyroid cancer doesn't generally present in women until around age 40, so I shouldn't worry too much yet, but she was going to do an ultrasound of my neck to be sure. And when my doctor got the results of my test back and found out it was a complex mass, she referred me to an ear, nose, and throat doctor that said the same thing: he had never seen a case of thyroid cancer in a woman so young, so not to worry too much, but he would do fine needle aspirations to be sure.

Fine needle aspiration is a type of biopsy where, instead of actually cutting you open to check for cancer, the doctor inserts a needle into the tissue and draws out some of the suspect mass for testing. It sounds a lot scarier than it is! Though it was a little weird to be awake and trying to joke with my doctor to lighten the mood while he had a needle in my throat, there was only a slight pinching feeling and it really wasn't so bad.

The part that wasn't so great was that the doctor had to do this more than once. The first two aspirations didn't have enough tissue and were inconclusive. Then the third time, the moment of truth came... and my doctor told me he hadn't found any cancer cells in my biopsy. However, he said he had found mutated cells and wanted to take the lump out before it turned into cancer, which I agreed was probably for the best. This would be my first surgery, the lumpectomy.

Some of you will wonder why my doctor didn't consider just taking out my whole thyroid at this point so there would be no possibility of cancer. Well, the thyroid is such a vital part of your endocrine system and without it, you have to take hormone supplements every day for the rest of your life. If there was no proof I had cancer there, why remove such an important organ?

Now, here's the part where I'll admit my own shortcoming: I did all of this, all of these half dozen doctor's appointments over a two-month period, without telling my family. My then-roommate went with me to one of those appointments, but otherwise I had done all of this alone and without telling a good deal of the people I knew. At the time, I told myself it was because my grandmother, the woman who raised me, had already lost one daughter to breast cancer and even mentioning that word in the same sentence as my doctor's visits would scare her unnecessarily. Now when I look back, though I'm pretty sure that was half of my reasoning, I think I also believed that telling everyone about it would make it real, and I still wasn't ready to use the phrase, "I might have cancer."

Even when I finally told my family about the surgery, I made a point to emphasize that the surgeon wasn't removing the mass because it was cancer - it was because it might turn into cancer. And after my surgeon removed the mass, he told me that it looked good, that it didn't look like cancer, and that he had removed all of it. I went home from that outpatient surgery believing that I didn't have cancer because I was 21 years old and healthy and my doctor had told me so.

Until he didn't. I was still on disability and waiting for my stitches to stop itching when the lab results came back from the mass that had been removed and the surgeon's office called me. The nurse wouldn't tell me anything more than that I had to come in and talk to the doctor, but that was more than enough to set my imagination going. Fortunately, my doctor called me not long after and decided to set my mind at ease... sort of. He delivered the news that the mass had been cancer and that since my ultrasounds had shown other, smaller masses that might also potentially be tumors, he wanted to talk about the options when I came into the office that Friday.

I will fully admit that the phrase "talk about the options" is pretty much the last thing I ever expected to hear from a doctor at 21 years of age. Everyone along the line had told me that I was too young for cancer, and wasn't I? I was young and healthy and had never been a drinker or drug user. I had smoked maybe a handful of packs of cigarettes in my life. Normal young, healthy people didn't just get cancer, I argued with myself. I kept expecting (or more realistically, hoping for) an Archer-esque phone call: "I mixed up your chart with another patient's. You're totally cancer-free!"

But what I'm telling this story to illustrate is that anyone can get cancer at any time. It isn't something you can stave off by avoiding known risk factors. Sometimes it simply happens and as scary and world-shattering as it is, take it from me: you're strong enough to deal with it, and you're strong enough to beat it.

I wasn't sure I was at first, either. I still remember putting on a calm facade for my PCP when she told me it was a complex mass and what that could mean because she had a high schooler shadowing her and I couldn't break down in front of a seventeen-year-old girl. I also remember wiping my tears away on my jacket sleeves when they left the room because I wasn't sure when they were coming back in. I remember going straight home to my grandmother in a daze, waking her up in bed at 9am, and explaining the first surgery to her with a fake smiler and even faker bravado. But I also remember going back to my bathroom in the little trailer I lived in at the time, standing in the shower, and blasting If Today Was Your Last Day at full volume so no one could hear me crying. Hell, sometimes I still have to focus on calming breaths when I notice one of my lymph nodes is swollen.

I guess my point is that thyroid cancer can happen to anyone, at any time, whether you're in the risk group or not, whether you're a smoker or not, whether you go out drinking every weekend or only ever had a sip of wine that one time at a birthday party and hated the stuff. So please, don't skip your physicals. And if your doctor finds something, don't be afraid because you can do it. The people that care about you will support you, and so will your sisters and brothers that fought or are still fighting.

It's like the teal, pink, and blue band on my wrist says: No One Fights Alone.

DON'T Look at the Fucking Flowers

Language warning, ladies and gentlemen. This is going to be a rant in no way related to my usual posts, because I rarely get worked up enough to do this.

Well, I have officially lost all faith in humanity again. A teenage girl on my Facebook friends list just shared a video of a soldier coming home to surprise his wife and baby daughter. Of course the wife falls to her knees in disbelief, cries, hugs him and doesn't let go... a beautiful video. But the text on the post? This girl is sharing this video to tell her boyfriend he needs to surprise her with flowers like this... "then again maybe not, it'll ruin [her] makeup."

You have no idea how seriously I wanted to tell this child her post just made me want to ruin her fucking makeup with some projectile vomiting and a backhand to the face.

Do you really have to have your own infantryman that has been deployed to Afghanistan or Iraq, to have your heart stop when you see that deployment bag, to understand how very emotional this moment is and how FUCKING INSULTING it is that a teenage girl whose boyfriend works in an auto parts store would share this and joke about it? Or is the next generation in this country even more fucked up than I ever suspected?

Relationship Advice

I am so tired of seeing relationship advice on Facebook from the worst people imaginable. If you're engaged because you got pregnant or are on your fifth engagement to the same person because you keep breaking up or are professing your undying love for someone you met last month, please shut up and don't ask me why I deleted you. If you want to know what love really is, go ask my grandparents. Nearly 60 years together through thick and thin, disagreements and sickness, military service and the death of a daughter, is what true love is about. Not that some of you don't have it, but loudly and repeatedly professing it to everyone you know in attempt to convince yourself is a sure sign otherwise. /rantover

My Controversial Truth

I'm getting kind of tired of seeing posts about Amanda Todd. Yes, bullying is wrong. Yes, bullies should be held responsible for the repercussions of their actions. Yes, it is horrible when anyone feels he or she has no other choice left and does something irreparable. But if I had dressed and behaved like this young woman conducted her life at her age, I wouldn't have had time to kill myself because my grandparents would already have done it. Are you really going to stand there and tell me no blame should fall on the parental figures that enabled and the society that sexualizes the underage?

I'm Not Aphrodite, but I'm Sure as Hell Not Medusa Either

You know, I'm not some beautiful goddess by any stretch of the imagination, but that doesn't mean anyone in the universe has any right to say I'm ugly, either. Yes, I'm flawed. Everyone is, even Hollywood starlets and international supermodels and the everyone else who thinks they ARE those graven images of perfection. And you know what, ladies? Every one of you is amazing. No matter how many things you don't like about your face or your body, you're incredible. And I know how hard it is to believe that, because I can't really see it in myself either, but just look around you. You know those friends who see only flaws in themselves, whether it's weight or attributes, and all you can see is how beautiful they are? THAT IS HOW YOUR FRIENDS LOOK AT YOU. When you complain about the mole on your cheek or the ten pounds you need to lose, there is someone looking at you and thinking, "Why does she think she needs to change a thing?" There's someone looking at your photo and wishing for your face, for your body, for your smile that makes everything brighter--that same smile you hate because it shows too much gum. I hate that we live in a world where everyone compares themselves to Halle Berry or Jessica Alba or whichever other star of the moment. Yes, it's good to eat the right things and do a little cardio now and then and keep yourself healthy. But if I had my way, every woman in this world would realize how beautiful she is and stop looking for the flaws in herself, or in everyone else to make herself feel better. You ARE beautiful. And a hell of a lot more real than Halle Berry.

57 Years

It saddens me when I see these people who get together and three days later are "so madly in love." They're the reason the word holds no meaning anymore. You want to know what love is? Watch my grandfather's smile when he pats my grandmother on the knee and calls her "little bit." Watch her tell him he's silly but every single time he leaves the house, look out the window for him until he comes back. Watch him help her walk when her knee hurts too badly, or look in her eyes when he sings along to one of her favorite songs. 57 years of everything life could throw at them, from the Korean war to the death of their oldest daughter, hasn't driven them apart. Or maybe they just haven't let it. That's not to say that they're perfect; no one is, and they both know that. But I've learned so much from them and I truly wish that everyone out there had someone like that they could look at, if only to remind themselves whenever they need it... love is real, and tangible, and someone somewhere will make everything else in this world worth the pain. So don't settle for someone you know won't be there to hold you when you're 80. I know I won't.

Possession is Nine Tenths of My Foot up Your Ass

Okay this is really starting to irk me because I keep seeing it in my timeline... Why do all you girls seem convinced it's perfectly acceptable--and *romantic*, of all things--for a man to literally call you his *possession*? Does Twilight really have everyone so brainwashed that no matter how obviously oppressive and abusive a relationship is, it doesn't matter because you're *so in love*? And I don't want to hear any crap about how you're ugly or stupid or whatever and could never do better. Being alone is better. Trust me, I've been on that boat; it will sink and you will drown if you don't learn to lift your head and love yourself for who you are. You are beautiful and special and deserve better. Don't let any "man" convince you otherwise.

Epic Rant of Ranting

Okay, seriously. I don't want to read about people's drama anymore, so you know what? Here's some free advice: If your ex cheated on you, delete his ass, burn everything he ever gave you, and move on. Don't keep stalking his page or looking at his photos or letting him try to talk you into trying again. He didn't respect you enough to be loyal to you, so why should you respect him enough to even acknowledge his existence? Don't forget the experience, because it will teach you to guard yourself and that you never want to put another person through the pain he gave to you. But don't EVER, under ANY circumstances, give him the chance to do that to you again. Because he will, and then you'll have to move on anyway, knowing you were naive enough to believe someone who had already proven himself a liar. I know it haunts you, and I know you'll miss the person you thought he was, but someday you'll have that amazing realization. He was a liar, and you deserve better. Period. /endrant

Maybe. Maybe Not.

You know, maybe I don't know what I want out of my life. Maybe I'm a little broken and maybe I feel lost behind the smile sometimes and maybe I have no clue where I want to end up or even where my next step will take me. But I will find somewhere I can be at peace surrounded by people who make me happy. And you know what, guys? Maybe that's a destination in itself. So screw all of you who complain at me and backstab me and expect me to fix all of your life problems but disappear when all I need is encouragement. Screw anyone who says my dreams are pointless and I should be a good girl and content myself with whatever I'm given. I don't need your kind of friendship and I sure as hell don't need your brand of love. Maybe you gave up on making anything of your life long ago, and maybe you're right about me too; maybe I'll end up giving up and breaking down and shrivel into a broken husk of myself. But maybe you're wrong. Maybe I'll keep picking myself back up. Maybe I'll even find some people walking the same path who will lend me a hand. Maybe I don't have to be alone, and it's selfish of you to tell me to be and stupid of myself to believe sometimes that's to what I'm doomed. Maybe my destination, my happiness, lies right here in this moment, and all I have to do is stop listening to you... reach out my hand... and take what's always been mine.

So My Muse is as ADHD as I Am

I swear, I will finish this novel. I WILL. I SWEAR IT. UPON THE BLOOD OF THE THOUSANDS OF UNICORNS I WILL HAVE TO SLAUGHTER TO MAKE MYSELF IMMORTAL TO HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO FINISH IT IF IT BECOMES NECESSARY. But unfortunately, my muse is as easily distracted as I am and keeps giving me new threads of plot that my fingers are just itching to start on. In a couple of cases, I've lost the battle and wrote a little of them before I got back to my NaNo novel... but I will persevere, I swear it!

On a related topic, for anyone who would like an idea of what I've been writing for the past month, the title is "The Society" and the synopsis is as follows:

Thomas Quinn lives in a world where excess of technology is considered to be the bane of mankind after a tech-driven catastrophe decimated most of the world's population. Nature is nonexistent, for the planet had already been taken over by concrete and metal in the generations before he and his friends were born. Their city is a very rigid, structured place where every individual must fit into one category in which he or she can do the most good for everyone else. Thomas is a rare case, and faces a choice between two aptitudes: Oratory, the leaders and speakers who keep the city alive; or Challenger, the hardened warriors who fight on the front lines against the rogue mech that constantly threaten the people. But Thomas's dormmate, Joe Carpenter, is an even rarer case still—two days before Thomas must make the biggest decision of his life, Joe is told that he has no aptitude whatsoever. And when Thomas learns the fate that waits for those the council has decided cannot give back to their gloriously self-sustaining culture and meets the ones who have escaped it, his view of the society he's believed in his entire life may change forever.

Obviously, it's kind of a dystopia but without much of the sci-fi element that comes into a lot of them. There isn't a lot of majorly advanced technology because most of it was completely stopped when the former global society was destroyed... at least, as far as Thomas knows, right? Aaand if you just happen to be dying for more, here's an excerpt! If you like my writing, stay tuned--I plan on completing and editing this for publication via Amazon.

THE SOCIETY
by Tabatha Summers, ©2012

The sign lying in the gritty road read Lauderdale Memorial Parkway—pretty ironic, considering that no one around here had any idea who or what “Lauderdale” had ever been. Maybe he was some important orator who had united a people. Maybe that was the name of the cataclysm that had ripped the world apart. Then again, maybe it had just been someone’s pet dog.

But no, I was letting my mind wander; I had to focus! An important part of this challenge, of every challenge that Proctor Anders gave me, was to maintain my focus despite whatever odds and distractions were piled against me. Narrowing my eyes, I tried to see past the smoke and grime that veiled the city and whatever else might be lurking just beyond my sight.

There! Between the shell of a rusty old train car and the wall of what might once have been a warehouse was the target I had been sent after.  But as I honed in on the object I had been searching for, I became suddenly aware of the heavy footfalls behind me. They were coming, and there was nothing between me and the advancing army. I could either hide, watching them take my objective from a place of safety, or fight them and most likely be taken down. This was exactly the type of no-win situation that proved strength of character and will. Setting my jaw, I turned to face the footsteps and my own imminent defeat.

And then I thought of something.

It was probably crazy, so completely insane that I would surely be kicked out of the Challenger program if I was wrong. Yet as always, a nagging voice in the back of my head reminded me that I just might be right, and if I was, it might even be something no one else had ever thought of before.

A streak of yellow light cut through the fog, undoubtedly searching for me, and I made up my mind. If nothing else, I had to know.

I turned so abruptly that my boots sent gravel flying before I even took off. I heard a buzzing behind me that I knew meant my adversaries had pinpointed my location, but I didn’t allow myself to look back even as several more yellow lights illuminated the ground in front of me and the small leather package I was racing toward.

Something snagged my heel and I fell, rocks grinding into my forearms as I caught myself. I ignored them and jerked at my ankle, which I now realized was wrapped with a thinly coiled wire. The blue sparks coming off it told me that it was electrified, and the only reason it hadn’t already shocked me unconscious was that my boot had buffered the current before it could touch my skin.

Another attempt to yank my leg free was also to no avail, and then I could see the shapes of their bodies looming up ahead. Desperately, I tugged at the shoelace, narrowly avoiding a flicker of electricity off the wire as the knot came loose. Bracing my free foot against the heel of my trapped one, I pulled with all my might and somehow my foot came loose, sock coming within a hair’s breadth of the wire as it constricted the now-empty shoe.

I didn’t know how close they had gotten while I struggled and I didn’t stop to check, just launched myself forward with new resolve. I had barely cleared the entrance of the dilapidated train car when something thudded against the iron outside. Undoubtedly it was another electric lash, and it was lucky I had dodged it because I had no more time to spare.

Practically throwing myself out the other side of the hollow car, I landed in the grit and tried to slide the door closed as a temporary barrier. But the door was rusted and not properly on the track, and as soon as I heard the distressed screech of metal, I gave that up. Besides, if I was right, all I needed was the package.

Almost on cue, one of the yellow lights focused on my location, illuminating the carriage’s shadow and the small leather bag dangling a foot from my left hand. It was a courier’s purse, just like my mission briefing had described, and it was firmly stuck on a part of the train’s wheel that I didn’t know the name for. I tried to pull it loose, but neither the thick leather strap nor the corroded metal would give. Another electric lash struck the metal and bounced away, twisting on the ground like a snake made of lightning. I had no time for this.

For a second, I fumbled with the catch on the bag, and by the time I got it open, the shadows of my pursuers were so close that I knew they would be turning the corner any moment. Jerking back the flap, I reached inside and at first thought in a panic that it was empty. Then my fingers closed around a cube in the corner and I pulled it out frantically.

One side of the thing was about the size of my palm, and I had never seen anything like it before. It seemed to be made of two different types of metal set in with tiny flickering images under glass. I had no idea what any of it meant, and my first impulse was to drop the thing like a hot coal—things like this were dangerous! This was exactly the type of tech that had split the world, which every child was warned of in school from the time they were old enough to listen.

Then they came around the corner, and I realized I was wrong; they were the tech that had ripped society apart. Some had been built to look like men, with bodies made of the same metals I had just seen on the cube and glowing yellow spotlights in place of eyes. I was nearly blinded when they all focused on me at once, and ducked back to the other side of the train car for cover.

If I figured right, I probably had less than ten seconds. I didn’t think my heart had ever been beating faster, but I tried to ignore it. Ten seconds was enough time to figure out how this thing worked, right? Of course, that was assuming my hunch had been right in the first place…

I turned the cube over in my hands, my mind turning even faster. The tiny images, I now realized, were actually buttons, for they gave way beneath my fingers. The images even seemed to change when I pressed them, but I had no idea what any of them meant; they had only symbols, no words. Desperation took hold and I considered smashing it against the ground, though I doubted that would solve anything. But as my fingers clenched around it, suddenly one square lit up bright yellow. Exactly the same bright yellow as their spotlight eyes.

Heart hammering in my chest, I pressed the yellow light and held it in. Three seconds… two seconds… The lights on the cube abruptly all flickered off, and the motorized whirring of the mech-men’s footsteps came to a sudden stop. I almost didn’t dare to breathe as I leaned to check around the corner.

The mech-men had crumpled like marionettes with their strings cut, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been right!

“Excellent work,” said a familiar voice, and it took a tremendous amount of willpower to keep from letting Proctor Anders see that he had startled me. I kept on a straight face though when I turned to face him, inclining my head appreciatively.

“Thank you, sir.”

Proctor Anders was one of the younger instructors at the Institute, but he was probably nearing forty years old, and the lines around his dark eyes showed it. Just then, he also had a line between his eyebrows, and he seemed to be looking at me as if he couldn’t figure me out.

“Mr. Quinn, how did you know that cube would control the mechs?”

Something in his tone put me on my guard. I knew without being told that my answer too would be part of this test, and I cleared my throat to give myself time to think of the right words before answering.

“My orders in the mission briefing were to retrieve an item of vital importance that had been lost in enemy territory. The letter also stated that the item in question would be the key to defeating the mechs in the area. I was cornered, and I drew a conclusion; it turned out to be the right one.”

Proctor Anders nodded understandingly, though his eyes remained unreadable as always. “And how did you know the correct deactivation sequence?”

I didn’t recognize the words; I wasn’t in the Mechnotechnology program, after all. My expression must have given away my ignorance, because he repeated more clearly, “How did you know how to make the cube shut off the mechs?”

I smiled tightly, but I didn’t lie to sound smarter than I really was. “I didn’t know. But one of the screens started to glow the color of their eyes. I thought it was my best bet.”

“A very good guess,” Proctor Anders said, sounding satisfied. “You are certainly coming to show that you have the instincts to be a top-notch Challenger, Mr. Quinn.”

I finally let myself breathe again at that. I had passed yet again, where so many failed. The Challenger program was one of the most difficult to remain in all the way through ten years of aptitude honing, but I was almost there; my eighteenth birthday would be in two days, and then I would have my dedication day. If I made it two more days, at least—the last week of tests were known all around to be the toughest, set by the proctors to be completely certain anyone without the appropriate aptitudes had been weeded out.

“Here, I’ll dispose of that,” Proctor Anders said, holding out his hand for the cube, which I gave over gladly. He must have noticed my expression, because he smiled wryly. “They’re right to tell you that tech is dangerous, you know,” he said in a voice I hadn’t heard before, serious and pensive. “Uncontrolled tech caused a lot of damage to our world that can never be repaired—and you’ve seen a little of what the mechs can do in training.” He paused and scratched at the dark stubble on his chin before adding, “But not all of it is overtly dangerous. You ride in autos and don’t think of them like the uncontainable ones, right? They’re mechs as well—of a much simpler variety. And we still use small forms of tech in keypads on doors and everything else electrical. Lines aren’t always simply drawn between black and white or good and evil. Make sure you remember that, and never let anyone convince you to lose the ability to draw your own conclusions if you dedicate to Challenger.”

I nodded, and just like that his normal unreadable expression was back as he called on a short-wave radio for a car to take us back to the city. But I couldn’t help but think that perhaps Proctor Anders had just given me my first real glimpse into the mind of an experienced Challenger.

---

Operation NaNoWriMo Is A Success!

世界对你来说没有不可能！
^ That right there was probably the most awesome thing anyone told me this month about my ability to write a novel. Per my friend Kelley, it roughly translates to, "There is nothing in the world that is impossible for you."

It's been a crazy month. Somehow in between an anime convention, a birthday, Black Friday, overtime, and getting sick the very last week of November, I just validated my novel at 50,483 words over 13 chapters. (It's still incomplete, but I'll let you all know when I cap off those final chapters.) I still have laryngitis, need a shower, my room needs cleaned, I have a stack of books I want to read and video games I want to play that have piled up, and I need to wrap a metric ton of Christmas presents, but I've never felt more accomplished in my life.

End of Another ABC

Well, another Anime Blast Chattanooga is almost over, and it's gone so fast this year that it's scary. I slept through the end of last night, which upsets me a little because that means I missed the Eric Stuart Band concert. :-/ I guess at least I didn't miss seeing him getting into the elevator while I was adjusting a Misty wig this year though lol.

ABC this year really was a blast. I was Olette from Kingdom Hearts the first day, Zoey from Left 4 Dead the second, and in the morning I will be Jill Valentine from Resident Evil--the original, with the shoulderpads and the beret and all that fun stuff.

The only bad part about ABC so far has been how much it's distracted me from NaNoWriMo. I'm actually participating this year, which is a first for me as I never have enough time. I was keeping pace until this weekend, and even though I've written over 2,000 words this morning, I'm still not caught up. But I will get there if I have to sit out half of the rest of the con!

Life Goes On (Whether You Want It To Or Not)

Sometimes, nothing turns out quite like you ever thought it would. Actually, I guess that's most of the time, isn't it? At least, if your name is Tabatha Summers. Maybe I should marry some guy and change that, eh? Haha, right. Because anything like that will ever happen to me.

I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel guilty for doing what's right for me, but I don't know if I will ever get used to knowing I've hurt someone else, especially someone I love. When I broke up with Robert at the end of May, I didn't know what to do with myself. I've never had the greatest self-esteem or sense of purpose, and he always, *always* made me feel like I had a reason for being here, even if it was only to wipe away his tears. But now I can't do that anymore, and even if I could, he would hate me for trying.

Well, I say that as if he doesn't already hate me. It sounds stupid to say, but I believed him when he promised he would never hate me for leaving him. I really thought, or maybe just hoped, that he could move on with his own life without cursing the part of it he spent with me. Maybe it's just because I know I'll always love him and the time we spent together, even though I had to end it.

It's not that I miss being with him, or at least the way he treated me when I was with him. I just couldn't take the doubting anymore. A year and a half is too long to spend with someone and still not know who she is. When he said he didn't think I love him, that was just it. I knew in that moment that was how he would always be, and I just couldn't do that forever.

But at the same time, I'll never stop loving him. I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate, but that's just not how it works for me. Maybe I fall too hard when I fall in love, but that's how I've always been. Love is never temporary, even if sometimes I've wished I could stop caring so much about someone. Because nothing breaks my heart more than someone I love coming to hate me, and I guess this is the second time I'll have to watch that happen.

He deleted me off everything when I started seeing a guy from work. Right before that, he said something on facebook about "that moment your ex starts dating the guy she fell for while with you." And I know it's all that same paranoia that drove me crazy while I was with him, but it hurts unimaginably that he would say something like that about me. That he would even think I could disregard him that way. I don't just fall for someone, and he of all people should know that. I've learned by now that that's exactly what gives someone the power to hurt you the most, and right now, he's proving it.

Plotting and Happenstance

Well, I've been neglecting this blog for a while, but I figured, as with most things, I would be more like to utilize it if it connects directly to my smartphone. And voilá--Android market! Oh, how I love thee.

Anyway, I've decided to keep this blog as my cosplay journal, and start a new one for my book reviews... mainly because that way, I'm less likely to spam people who aren't interested.

So what has happened since I last updated? Well, much. I quit my job at Walmart and got a new one at Amazon. Translation in reference to this blog: more money for cosplay! As such, I have two cons planned in the very near future, MomoCon at the end of March and MTAC at the beginning of April. Here are the details on that so far.

For Momo, only my boyfriend Robert and I will be going, and our costumes will be Zoey and the Hunter from Left 4 Dead; Albert Wesker and Jill Valentine from the original Resident Evil; and Alexander Anderson and Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing from Hellsing. Currently, that is the order by day, as well.

For MTAC, we have a group of 3 other friends coming with us, but only one (Emily) cosplaying in theme with us. The costume plans are for a Final Fantasy X group (me as Lulu, Robert as Auron, and Emily as Yuna); a Bleach group (Robert as Arrancar-arc Aizen, me as Loly, and Emily as either Menoly or Orihime); and a Fullmetal Alchemist group (me as Lust and Robert as Greed).

Most of the work for Momo is done, but a lot remains left to do for MTAC, and my sewing machine appears to have picked an opportune time to break down, so I'll keep you posted!

Day of Cosplay

So I got another birthday present--Emily gave me a new senbonzakura! ... Okay, then we broke it swordfighting. XD But no worries, it's totally fixable and was completely worth it because it was loads of fun. But anyway, after that, we got to work on some cosplay-making. She bought some clay and she, Lita, Lucy, and I all made our arrancar mask fragments from it. They're still drying and will probably take a few days to do so, but they look pretty freaking awesome at this point. Pictures are up on facebook of the creative process.

In unrelated news, my holiday work schedule is weirder than an Amish paradise at the moment. For some reason, despite that I said I'm only available to work 30 hours a week, they've been scheduling me for 34-36 for the next three weeks. Today I had a 6-1/2 hour shift with a half-hour lunch, which was just weird. Really, what's the purpose of that? O_o

Anyway, I should really force myself to sleep now, because it's almost 5 am and I have to work at 12:30 tomorrow. XD

Life and Stuff

So life goes on, and I just have this one random question... Why are 90% of guys such wusses? I mean, seriously... Not only did my ex only even break up with me in the first place after I brought up the subject... but then he completely and totally avoided me. And now his friends are doing the same thing. Just... seriously? Grow a pair already.

Anyway, I've made pretty much no progress on cosplay recently... but I did turn 19! Yay me, I survived another year! XD Robert is amazing and bought me a DS starter kit and Pokemon Platinum, the only series I've never played. Lita bought me a Hannah Montana poster and a lighter. My mom made me deer jerky, a necklace, and earrings. And Annie brought me back a mini ninja keychain and awesome black-and-red-striped fingerless gloves from Scotland. :) I think that's the most presents I've ever gotten in my entire life, lol. I love all of you guys. <3

So... yeah, since I'm boring, that's pretty much all that's gone down. At least, as far as I can remember? Idk, could be forgetting something. Who really knows, anyway? :P

Conventionnnnns!

Right, so even though it's only November, I'm already so geared up for upcoming cons, it's not even funny. And as I'm juggling costume prep between two laptops and a cell phone, I decided to post up my progress and update costume choices here. For MomoCon 2011 (March 12-13), I'm going to be Izumi Curtis and Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist--in that order, due to needed prep for hairstyles. For MTAC 2011 (Easter weekend), I'm going to be Tifa from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children the first day, then Loly Aivirrne from Bleach the second, and Itachi Uchiha from Naruto the third. I'm also trying to revamp my Byakuya cosplay with a new haori and kenseiken, though that's a lower priority at the moment because I won't be wearing it until probably TAMEcon, which doesn't even have a date set yet.


MOMOCON 2011
Day 1--Izumi (FMA)
[]Duster
-Materials: [x]Fabric [x]White thread []Buttons
[x]Capris
[1/2x]Jacket (needs modifications)
[1/2x]Shoes (need modifications)

Day 2--Lust (FMA)
[]Dress
-Materials: [x]Fabric [x]Black thread []Zipper
[]Gloves
-Materials: [x]Black fabric [x]Black thread []Red fabric
[x]Boots

MTAC 2011


Tifa (Advent Children)
[]Top
-Materials: [x]White cloth []Black pleather []Zipper [x]Black thread
[]Shorts
-Materials: []Black pleather []Zipper [x]Black thread
[]Cape...cloth...thing she wears around her waist
-Materials: []Black pleather [x]Black thread
[]Shoes
[x]Earrings
[x]Strip of red cloth

Loly (Bleach)
[]Top (or lack thereof)
-Materials: [x]White fabric []Nude swimsuit lining to prevent wardrobe malfunction [x]Black duct tape for edging [x]White thread
[]Skirt
-Materials: [x]White fabric [x]Black duct tape for edging [x]White thread []Elastic
[]Boots
-Materials: [x]White flip-flops to butcher for soles [x]Pleather material [x]Black thread [x]Zippers [x]White duct tape for details
[]Mask
-Materials: [x]Sunglasses lens []Clay []Spirit Gum

Itachi (Naruto)
[x]Pants
[x]Undershirt
[x]Cloak
[x]Necklace
[x]Ring
[]Shoes
-Materials: [x]Blue fleece [x]Black flip-flops to butcher
[x]Purple nail polish




OTHER
Byakuya (Bleach)
[x]Gi to serve as underclothing
[]Haori (being remade)
-Materials: [x]White fabric [x]White thread [x]India ink
[x]Tobe socks
[x]Sandals
[x]Scarf
[x]Sash
[x]Senbonzakura



COMPLETED
Tifa Lockheart (Final Fantasy VII)

I shall update as I complete some of this stuff, folks--stay tuned!